The tumblr feed that appeared on my macbook screen was meant to provide a source of distraction from our temporary house arrest state. What it did, however, was the complete opposite.
I guess I did hold the blame for typing up my own name in the tag search. The action was a simple reflex accumulated over the past couple of years, when the Youtube channel began getting some attention. Tumblr perfectly satisfied the curiosity as to how our subscribers percieved Jack and I’s work, as well as simply, us.
Though today, there wasn’t much concerning us.
My finger rested on the mouse as the various pictures and posts loaded one by one. Besides a gif of me from an old video, some photosets of miscellaneous instagram pictures, and a couple of links to an interview Jack and I recently did, that was it for all the contents that pertained to the Harries name. The rest of the tags were overwhelmed with the very subject I so desperately wanted to avoid for the time being. For some reason still, I couldn’t seem to tear myself away. So I let all the stills and gifs from our apartment flat vlog, all the outdated interviews and photoshoots, and all the personal speculations on whether or not the brunette with the distinct blue eyes was or should be my girlfriend; I let all of it ambush and bombard me.
“Am I the only one getting a sense of deja vu here?” A voice mumbled as I felt a weight plop onto the other end of the sofa.
My eyes flickered themselves away from the endless stream of pictures and rants to Jack’s irritated expression. His reference was spot on though. Back a year ago, when him and Ella became public with their relationship, the very similar incident happened. Certain fans devoted themselves to uncovering every inch and aspect of Ella’s personal life and threw their brutally honest opinions of the pairing out onto the internet. Nonetheless, the scale of commotion currently ensuing was triple what their relationship has ever evoked.
“But Ella wasn’t some socialite with millions of pap photos and articles,” I retorted with a scoff. “..most of which accused her of being a psycho bitch for homicide…”
Look at that, it’s a double hit of familiarity.
“Mate, you alright?” Jack’s tone was careful. He could easily sense that I was on edge. But at this point, I’m positive even a mere stranger could. My silent guilt was deafening.
"Yeah." I sighed as I set the laptop aside. I had seen more than enough. Leaning forward, my upper body weight shifted as my head hung to stare at the patch of carpet in between my feet. "I just feel like I’m a bad omen to her."
"Were you that terrible last night?" He joked, rather lamely might I add. But his efforts to lighten the mood was appreciated. And I had to give a light chuckle.
"Can you just trust me when I say it’s not what you think." I asserted as I turned to face him, traces of amusement still left on my face. That’s the thing about Jack, he can turn any situation into a comfortable one. It’s one of his better qualities. "Besides, it’s just Tessa..”
"Alright Finny, what’s going on?" He exclaimed, though his tone was still gentle. "I may be out of line here but I’m genuinely curious. You obviously care about her. You two act as if you’ve known each other for years when she’s barely been in London for a month. Like seriously, all your little looks and inside jokes, they’re annoying!…"
A smirk tugged at the corner of my lips at that last line. If only he knew he was the cause for most of them.
"…see, she makes you smile Finn. You’re happier around her. And that’s more than what I can say for any of the girls you’ve been with for a while now. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Especially with those incredible blue eyes."
Jack’s words idled in the silence that followed. How my mind was able to be a complete mess of tangled thoughts and an absolute blank at the same time, I did not know. There were too many things that I didn’t know. That I didn’t understand. Another minute passed, the stillness still unbroken.
Until I finally conveyed the first string of thought I had a grasp on.
"I thought that was the whole point of love, that it doesn’t make any sense." I pondered. "Shouldn’t you of all people be aware of that?"
He appeared taken back, perhaps I crossed an unknown line. Though a moment later, he returned a response composed of of eye roll and jeers.
"Well, if you’ll excuse the cliche— it’s pretty cryptic how you’re failing to see what’s been right in front of you.”
I sat, and stared. Words failed to form. And my gaze averted from my brother’s smug expression to the tiny droplets of water that was trickling down the windows.
"Thanks for the rescue Elle." I breathed a sigh of relief as we strolled towards a quaint little cafe at the end of the street.
Last night was a muddled memory. Though donning Finn’s t-shirt this morning was all that I needed to piece together what must have taken place. It was quite ashaming actually, the fact I let myself go. And to think I prided myself on integrity concerning sex before last night.
All the mirrors in my room were taunting. My own reflection was condescending. And I was drowning in the quiet, for the overbearing voices in my mind was too loud. Cutting me down with words of disdain and disappointment I was all too familiar with. Mix that in with the chocolate and alcoholic scent that still lingered, my sanity was very much in danger of choosing to sever from my being and leave out the door.
That’s when I decided some fresh air would help. Perhaps a walk would bring some serenity. The last thing I expected was to be surrounded and mobbed by starstruck and crazed teenage girls.
"Not a problem, they can get pretty intimidating." She smiled knowingly in my direction, probably reliving her own past experiences.
I forced an exasperated laugh. It wasn’t that I was a stranger to those types of encounters. Back in Seattle, the paparazzi had camped outside my bedroom window for weeks at a time after the ‘incident’.
Little did they know I was actually locked up in a private mental institution by my parents who were more horrified of their reputation than the condition of their youngest daughter. But it was more the fact that those girls spat questions of my past that I never intended to discuss again in between others of the same nosy nature. They were especially curious on my non existing relationship status with Finn. Fucking internet.
"So…as your best friend, do I get to know what happened with Finnegan last night?" Ella asked, one eyebrow raised. Her smirk growing by the second.
..with Finnegan last night. It appeared to be impossible to get away from him, even if only for a little while. The scent of chocolate was strangely noticable.
I can’t do this. Not now.
I attempted to desist any further conversation on the topic with deceit, stating I was never with him. Only to be caught red handed when Ella pointed out I was still dressed in his T-shirt under my unzipped hoodie. Damn.
"C’mon Tessa. Why are you trying to fight it? You two should be together! You can’t possibly tell me you don’t find him attractive…" She droned on with reasons and evidence of observatons. As if she had this whole speech written and memorized beforehand.
The voices of contempt were returning.
I can’t do this. Not now.
"Ella can you shut up for a second!" I blurted all of a sudden. Interrupting her cheerful chatter, and her pleasant mood as well probably.
Her expression didn’t show signs of anger nor offense however, but instead compassion and worry. How could one person be so genuine.
"I’m sorry for that." I began to apologize as we reached the cafe. It had a classic, cozy atmosphere to it, that was detectable even from the outside. But I couldn’t head in with her. I can’t sit for an hour and be giggly and charming. As much as I wish I could,—
I can’t do this. Not now.
"Thanks again Elle, but I have to go."
Not waiting for a response, I aimed an apologetic look at her before dashing off into the busy streets. Quickly losing myself within the crowds of people.
I didn’t fail to notice the soft London rain as I ran for nowhere.
A/N: So sorry for the delayed update. I was just too tired yesterday. Thank you so much for all your support lately. I really can’t think of much to say cause I’m fighting to keep my eyelids open. So I hope you liked this chapter. And as always, I’d love to hear some comments, feedback, or suggestions!
I love you all!